04.01.11

Today was my first post op appt at Luton & Dunstable Hospital, op was only 7weeks ago. I haven’t slept all night, and I was starting to feel tired around 9am. I go to bed but know we have to leave at 11.30am at the very latest as it is a good 2hr journey by the time we have parked etc. My stomach is turning summersaults as I am getting ready. I am like a zombie but somehow manage to get in the car at 11.40am, eek! Luckily, Paul enjoys driving like a lunatic and he gets us there by the skin of our teeth, even if he had to endure my tuneful snoring all the way there too.

I meet the lovely Carol Mc in the waiting room, as we had chatted on face book and discovered we both had appointments the same day and time there. We both chat to another patient called Debbie C, and we swap details. This is one place I don’t feel so ashamed of myself, as we are all here for the same reason, to get help. The dietician is first on the list to see, which means the dreaded weigh in and the reality of how much I have actually lost in the 7 weeks since surgery. Judith says after chatting to me that I have a very low self esteem (no shit Sherlock) and that I am to stop thinking of dieting and comparing myself to others, as we all lose weight at different rates. I feel so low at this point and tears fill my eyes, and I swallow hard.

I yearn to be as good as everyone else and to overcome this lifelong addiction and poor relationship with food and self image. Even to pluck up enough courage to look at myself in a full length mirror. I can cope with a face mirror and pretend the rest is not repulsive and grotesque. The main reason I feel this way is because my stomach is so enormous and hangs so low. It feels like I am constantly carrying a 52kg sack around. I am very self conscious of it and try to hide behind anything to avoid the persistent stares from strangers and it moves like a Pendulum clock when I walk.

Now for the moment I had been dreading and I am told to get on the scales. 9kg lost in 7 weeks, I am gutted. I have read how some have lost 2-3stones and they had their ops similar time to me, and I haven’t lost anywhere near that amount. The tears are now rolling fast down my cheeks and I cannot control my feelings any longer. The dietician said she is very pleased with this and that I am on track but says she thinks I should have a further talk with her as I am obviously struggling mentally, and she is not happy about that. She also suggests I may need a counsellor and should talk to my GP about it. She says I need to get more structure in my eating as I am not always eating at set times, i.e. breakfast lunch and dinner times, plus snacks. I explain about my erratic sleep patterns so although I eat like that, it could be 3 meals any time not set times.

Have to wait 2hrs plus to see my consultant Mr Whitelaw, so we have arranged to meet another special lady Lou bee Lou as I fondly call her and her beautiful daughter Abbie in the cafe.

At my appointment with Mr Whitelaw, he says he too is pleased with my progress and says I am on track and reminds me it is not long since he performed my surgery and it will be up and down in terms of weight loss. I tell him that I now have intolerance to some meats but he is not worried about that and says it’s perfectly normal. After checking my scars, he told me I no longer need to see him again, unless I develop a serious problem. He also tells me that I no longer need to worry about damaging the scars as they have heeled well and it is now safe for exercise.

I feel mentally and physically shattered as we leave the hospital and Paul is a superstar and get’s us home safely and I snore the whole way home too. At least I am being consistent with that!

Tonight I log onto face book and update friends on how my appointments went. I still feel really low at my progress as I have always managed big weight losses at the start of a diet, and thought this would be the same. I have noticed small differences in my capabilities by losing the weight pre and post op, which is important, so I am trying to focus on that.

Much to my surprise and delight I get a new friend request on face book and they lift my spirits and we get on so well we talk all night. I am still struggling with the transfer addiction and I have struggled with the constant urge for passion, lust and sex ultimately my sex drive is going through the roof. Maybe this is a temporary thing but I find myself hooked on watching Secret Diary of a Call Girl and watching sexy programmes to lose myself in the fantasy world of dressing up and wearing killer heels and role play.

When you have a partner who has a very low sex drive, and would rather have alcohol than make love, it has a knock on affect on your mental image of yourself. I feel as attractive as a beached whale, and I think if I bathed in Abbott Ale or looked remotely as attractive as a pulled pint, I would be in with a chance. This is very hard to deal with, I feel guilty as I don’t want to apportion blame, as it is neither of our faults but it is not easy for me to “bang one out” like a bloke can when I am horny as hell. To me pleasuring yourself is possibly something that is all the more exciting when shared with your partner? “Order - Two cases of bromide for the strumpet in the sumo suit!”

Food wise, since the festive stuffing has calmed down considerably, I seem to be able to cope mentally a lot better. I am finding that no matter how many times I look in the fridge or cupboards there still seems to be so little that I fancy eating. I am eating, but the pleasure is not there and this is hard to cope with too for some reason. Paul has been great and done lots of cooking during his Christmas holiday from work, and it is good that he enjoys it and dons his chef hat that the teens got him for Christmas, as I have definitely lost interest in cooking.

Have been applying for jobs, although they are few and far between at the moment and the stress is causing my eczema to flare up big time. Financially it is killing us with me not bringing in a wage, and this is possibly part of the reason for Paul’s constant drinking, but we all have our different ways of dealing with stress don’t we?

Can’t believe tomorrow will be nine years since my dad died. I have missed him and Paul’s dad a lot this Christmas as they were both larger than life characters. I know mum will be especially low, so I will take her to bingo, as she enjoys that.

03.01.11

Coco Berry posted this on FB tonight and I thought how lovely it was and I wanted to share it with everyone on here.

When I Love Me

When I Love Me, things will change
I wouldn’t be so wrapped up in thinking that I’m not good enough
I won't try to perfect the way I look for anyone
I won't need to as beauty lies within me.

When I love me life will be different
I won’t care if people hate me
or if they don’t like who I am friends with
I won’t let them judge me
and I’ll do my best not to judge others
because of my own insecurities

When I love me I will be able to forget about
all the bad things in my life.
I'll see the glass as half full rather than half empty
I'll make choices to the best of my ability
and without someone else’s input.
That way, I'll know in my heart it was the right thing to do.

When I love me nothing will get me down.
I'll be able to look in the mirror and smile
because I'll be happy with what I see.
I won't be ashamed of what I look like or what I wear.
I won't have to be someone I’m not just to please my peers.

When I love me I'll be able to be myself
I'll say what’s on my mind
and not feel like I have said the wrong thing
I'll believe in myself and
believe that I can accomplish my goals
I'll tell everyone
'Hey I did that and I did it on my own'

When I love me I will be able to feel whole
my life will finally come together and I will be truly happy.
I won't have to regret what I have done in the past
or what I’m destined to do in the future.
I'll feel like I’m worth something
and that I helped to make a difference.

But most of all when I love me
I'll be able to pass on that love
so others can be happy like me
Everyone deserves to love themselves
no one should ever feel that they aren’t loved by themselves
because in the end it won't matter how popular you were
or how you dressed or who your friends were.
You only need to worry about you and if you loved yourself.
Someday, I'll realise that I did I just didn’t know it.

02.01.11

I am finally starting to feel a lot better in myself and the heavy cold is now on its last legs and only a bit of a chesty cough remains. It has managed to zonk me out for the best part of Christmas, right up to New Year’s Day. I even slept through the day and night of New Year’s Eve. I have never done that before. I do feel really guilty too, as Paul loves New Year’s Eve down the pub but as I felt so rough, there wasn’t a lot I could about it. Bless him he was really good about it and he saw the New Year in with Callum as Niamh was at a party come sleep over (why are they called that, she never sleeps when she does this) and Oli was at a friend’s house staying the night. He had to sleep as he was at work the next day.

It hasn’t helped that I also had to have a hormonal wand fitted into my left arm because I have reached that age where by the “lady problems” are more of a nightmare. The incision was fine, I was given a local anaesthetic and ten minutes or so later the implant was inserted. This was all tickety boo until later in the evening when I needed to take the paracetamol tablets as the doctor had advised, as it was getting sore. As some of you are probably aware, I am not a very good sleeper at the moment and about 3.30am my arm feels very sore and painful, with a constant stabbing feeling. The wand was fitted on the 30^th December and only this evening is it now starting to hurt less. It has been stabbing me whenever I have moved my arm. Not sure if that was because of the swelling that started that same evening or just because it is a foreign body in my arm and it needed to settle itself in properly? The bruising is coming out in some lovely shades which are pretty impressive as I rarely bruise. Too many fat layers for it to come through I suppose.

Although I have had a heavy cold I have battled so much with head hunger, especially in the evenings. Nothing ever puts me off my food. It doesn’t help because everyone is off work or school at the moment, so they are all eating at different times and it just feels like a conveyor belt of food is constantly passing under my nose or being consumed in front of me. I know I have overeaten many times recently and there has been no feeling of fullness at the time, as I have previously experienced but about 10-15mins later I get told in no uncertain terms I have overeaten. Although it doesn’t make me physically sick, I do feel it.

I have been advised to not make myself sick unless it is absolutely necessary as it will stretch my pouch. I already fear I may have done that as I seem to be able to consume so much the last few days and it is worrying me. Annoyingly, it is not at the point of eating. I know I have to increase my fluid levels as that will reduce the amount I can eat, but as I never feel thirsty anymore I have to try and keep sipping as often as I can remember to. No more gulping down a pint of water. Any form of fast drinking is very uncomfortable and feels trapped in your oesophagus.

I have been careful with my chewing but know I could still cut down at the speed I eat. I have slowed down big time, but I still feel I am being a gannet. Old habits die hard, and I am not the most patient of people, so eating slowly is boring and time consuming. This doesn’t make sense either as I love to eat food, or rather I did when I could stuff it down, for all I was worth especially if I was eating in secret and then it definitely did not touch the sides.

In the past, when I have binged and made myself ill, I have even eaten foods I don’t like, just to get my “hit”, especially if it was sugar laden.

Tonight I had a Fox’s crunch cream biscuit and I was satisfied with just the one. I still can’t believe it. An hour ago, I had one Tunnock’s teacake, previously it would have been the whole packet or the whole box. When I had the teacake I was actually wanting some meat, but there wasn’t any defrosted but as my stomach was rumbling I thought, I’d just have something small and I ate it really slowly. That in itself feels like a minor miracle. I think because my sugar intake is so low now, it is no longer like a drug to me. We don’t usually buy foods like this, so it was a treat too. I have only bought these when I am in binge mode, and the pack wouldn’t last ten minutes.

I had my haircut last week as I am trying to grow my hair into the style of a graduated bob, with longer sides as it graduates towards my chin. I have decided I will make visual changes in me, with hairstyles, and clothes as soon as I am physically able to. I really need to see that I am losing weight, as I don’t feel I have lost as much weight as others who have had their op around the same time as me. I have been reading some who are reporting weight loses of around three stone. I have my post op check up at Luton & Dunstable Hospital on Tuesday, and I am dreading getting on the scales, as I won’t be able to avoid them any longer. I never thought for one moment I would be too scared to get on them after the op. In truth I am finding it just as stressful post op to lose the weight as I was pre op. I am avoiding the scales as they have always affected my mood, if I am not happy with the reading. As my clothes are not falling off me as others have reported theirs have, and dropped a few dress sizes, this is what makes me feel I haven’t lost much weight.

I am still finding that I wanting more time with hubby on my own, and I am looking forward to Thursday’s, as it is the only day we have the house to ourselves, even though Paul is working from home, we get to chat at lunchtime etc. I am going to miss this big time when I finally get offered a new job, but for the mean time I am going to make the most of it.

It is now 6.50am and I haven’t been to bed yet, and I am only vaguely feeling a bit tired. My eczema is bad at the moment with the stress of the finances, I’ve got to get a job and very soon and also the stress of my post op appointment on Tuesday. I only seem to suffer with eczema when I am stressed. I want to rip my skin to pieces at the moment, it is so annoying but hopefully after Tuesday it will settle down. I so hope I have lost a decent amount of weight, I am worried I am going to get a ticking off for not doing well, and I am not sure I can cope with it at the moment. I will blog again after Tuesday’s appointment.