I am finally starting to feel a lot better in myself and the heavy cold is now on its last legs and only a bit of a chesty cough remains. It has managed to zonk me out for the best part of Christmas, right up to New Year’s Day. I even slept through the day and night of New Year’s Eve. I have never done that before. I do feel really guilty too, as Paul loves New Year’s Eve down the pub but as I felt so rough, there wasn’t a lot I could about it. Bless him he was really good about it and he saw the New Year in with Callum as Niamh was at a party come sleep over (why are they called that, she never sleeps when she does this) and Oli was at a friend’s house staying the night. He had to sleep as he was at work the next day.
It hasn’t helped that I also had to have a hormonal wand fitted into my left arm because I have reached that age where by the “lady problems” are more of a nightmare. The incision was fine, I was given a local anaesthetic and ten minutes or so later the implant was inserted. This was all tickety boo until later in the evening when I needed to take the paracetamol tablets as the doctor had advised, as it was getting sore. As some of you are probably aware, I am not a very good sleeper at the moment and about 3.30am my arm feels very sore and painful, with a constant stabbing feeling. The wand was fitted on the 30th December and only this evening is it now starting to hurt less. It has been stabbing me whenever I have moved my arm. Not sure if that was because of the swelling that started that same evening or just because it is a foreign body in my arm and it needed to settle itself in properly? The bruising is coming out in some lovely shades which are pretty impressive as I rarely bruise. Too many fat layers for it to come through I suppose.
Although I have had a heavy cold I have battled so much with head hunger, especially in the evenings. Nothing ever puts me off my food. It doesn’t help because everyone is off work or school at the moment, so they are all eating at different times and it just feels like a conveyor belt of food is constantly passing under my nose or being consumed in front of me. I know I have overeaten many times recently and there has been no feeling of fullness at the time, as I have previously experienced but about 10-15mins later I get told in no uncertain terms I have overeaten. Although it doesn’t make me physically sick, I do feel it.
I have been advised to not make myself sick unless it is absolutely necessary as it will stretch my pouch. I already fear I may have done that as I seem to be able to consume so much the last few days and it is worrying me. Annoyingly, it is not at the point of eating. I know I have to increase my fluid levels as that will reduce the amount I can eat, but as I never feel thirsty anymore I have to try and keep sipping as often as I can remember to. No more gulping down a pint of water. Any form of fast drinking is very uncomfortable and feels trapped in your oesophagus.
I have been careful with my chewing but know I could still cut down at the speed I eat. I have slowed down big time, but I still feel I am being a gannet. Old habits die hard, and I am not the most patient of people, so eating slowly is boring and time consuming. This doesn’t make sense either as I love to eat food, or rather I did when I could stuff it down, for all I was worth especially if I was eating in secret and then it definitely did not touch the sides.
In the past, when I have binged and made myself ill, I have even eaten foods I don’t like, just to get my “hit”, especially if it was sugar laden.
Tonight I had a Fox’s crunch cream biscuit and I was satisfied with just the one. I still can’t believe it. An hour ago, I had one Tunnock’s teacake, previously it would have been the whole packet or the whole box. When I had the teacake I was actually wanting some meat, but there wasn’t any defrosted but as my stomach was rumbling I thought, I’d just have something small and I ate it really slowly. That in itself feels like a minor miracle. I think because my sugar intake is so low now, it is no longer like a drug to me. We don’t usually buy foods like this, so it was a treat too. I have only bought these when I am in binge mode, and the pack wouldn’t last ten minutes.
I had my haircut last week as I am trying to grow my hair into the style of a graduated bob, with longer sides as it graduates towards my chin. I have decided I will make visual changes in me, with hairstyles, and clothes as soon as I am physically able to. I really need to see that I am losing weight, as I don’t feel I have lost as much weight as others who have had their op around the same time as me. I have been reading some who are reporting weight loses of around three stone. I have my post op check up at Luton & Dunstable Hospital on Tuesday, and I am dreading getting on the scales, as I won’t be able to avoid them any longer. I never thought for one moment I would be too scared to get on them after the op. In truth I am finding it just as stressful post op to lose the weight as I was pre op. I am avoiding the scales as they have always affected my mood, if I am not happy with the reading. As my clothes are not falling off me as others have reported theirs have, and dropped a few dress sizes, this is what makes me feel I haven’t lost much weight.
I am still finding that I wanting more time with hubby on my own, and I am looking forward to Thursday’s, as it is the only day we have the house to ourselves, even though Paul is working from home, we get to chat at lunchtime etc. I am going to miss this big time when I finally get offered a new job, but for the mean time I am going to make the most of it.
It is now 6.50am and I haven’t been to bed yet, and I am only vaguely feeling a bit tired. My eczema is bad at the moment with the stress of the finances, I’ve got to get a job and very soon and also the stress of my post op appointment on Tuesday. I only seem to suffer with eczema when I am stressed. I want to rip my skin to pieces at the moment, it is so annoying but hopefully after Tuesday it will settle down. I so hope I have lost a decent amount of weight, I am worried I am going to get a ticking off for not doing well, and I am not sure I can cope with it at the moment. I will blog again after Tuesday’s appointment.
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