I didn’t go to bed until 5.30am this morning. Was chatting on Face book to Scott and Rosie and just lost track of time, eek! That meant I didn’t get up until 11.45am. Really wish I could get back into a normal sleep routine. I have been thinking a lot about it coming to the end of the year but more scarily that I am going to have to find a new job in the New Year and have to compete with other people who are slim, attractive and a whole lot better than I am. After being bullied in my last two jobs, I have zero confidence when the spot light is on me.
There is a job being advertised at the moment that I know I could do and be good at, but can I prove to others that I can and will they see past my size, so many haven’t in the past. The job after all is at a doctor’s surgery, and surely they are going to want staff to be slim and healthy? The job is only 18.5hrs per week and financially I am not sure that is enough hours but I want to ease back into another job, as I don’t know how physically I am going to cope with being back at work, let alone mentally! I’ll let you know how I get on with applying. It is not the first time I have seen this surgery advertising and I would like to work there as I did when I was a phlebotomist, which I loved.
Paul and I finally got some time together, had the house to ourselves and we enjoyed each other, and it was amazing! Losing a bit of weight has helped me feel even more comfortable making love and it’s liberating and makes me feel so much more confident in my ability to give pleasure as well as receive it.
I decide to have cheese on toast with a bit of bacon for brunch. I chew really slowly and am as careful as I possibly can. Luckily my tummy likes this and it’s a big relief. Tried some of Callum’s pancake which had sultanas in, my tummy isn’t upset by it but this evening I pay the price and have severe diahorrea.
I did think it was strange that I didn’t get a reaction to the sultanas in the pancake as there were quite a few in it. This evening Paul takes me to the local pub to meet friends and I make a big effort to wear makeup and a smartish outfit, which gives me more confidence. I have a glass of Shiraz and manage to drink ¾ of a glass, and feel totally sozzled. Niamh finds this very amusing and makes me giggle nonstop. I got a lot of compliments at the pub tonight from friends and two males in particular make sure they grab hold of me and kiss me often which is sweet of them and it’s good to know that at least to some I am worth knowing J
After the pub we have some dinner and I have the inside of a steak and kidney pie and some semolina. I have been fancying haggis again as it was so comfortable and easy to eat, but will have to wait until we visit Morrison’s again. Can’t hack the pace and I fall asleep after dinner in the recliner chair. When I wake up, the kids are off to bed and Paul is fast asleep in the chair besides me.
About 2am this morning I have a serving of Semolina and feel quite happy that I have had a good day with food. It is now almost 4.30am and I am wide awake, and trying to decide whether to make more Christmas cards before going to bed or to try and get some sleep. I just don’t feel like it is bed time yet. I do the washing during the night too, as it is cheaper electricity rate being economy seven or something like that.
I have found that I have lost weight across my back as my bra is now on the tightest setting, and was on the loosest. I feel so much happier too as I would love to wake up tomorrow lovely as slim but as I won’t I at least know my back is losing inches as well as weight.
We have a Christmas party to go to tomorrow evening with our friends from the pub that we are collectively known as the Barningham bunch. Looking forward to the evening but I don’t have anything really nice to wear and don’t have money to buy anything, so I will feel the fat frump yet again this year. I am still not great in heels and have to build my confidence up to be able to walk in them successfully without falling A over T in them. My friends have tops that might fit, but they are all sleeveless and my arms are grotesque and have a huge crease in the enormous bingo wings.
I am extremely self conscious of them and the ladies in the Barningham bunch are all very slim and attractive and naturally dress to impress and show their lovely attributes. They all have great legs and wear stunning heels and outfits, of which I can no way compete with. We haven’t ordered a meal for me as I won’t be able to eat a 4 course meal and have decided to share Paul’s meal. I am thinking of taking something with me in case it would be easier that way for me.
I don’t want to risk being ill there. It is one evening but I already feel stressed about it, or rather about me not looking as wonderful as the other lovely ladies. Hopefully next year will be a different story, and I try to remember that every new day, is another day nearer to the new me! Who am I kidding? Lol!
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