Found it hard to wake up properly today, I went to bed about 3.30am and was hooked up to my machine all night and can remember getting annoyed with the mask, as it kept leaking pressure, so maybe that is why I was so drowsy this morning. I wake up to a text from a friend who unbeknownst to me had been scanning my blog and he tells me it is turning into a sex blog, lol. This is not my intention, as I am just trying to convey to my audience that the WLS is not just about how I am coping with the food but what your mind and body go through, cravings and other joys. So the sex blog is an added bonus maybe for some, even if it is very real for me. I have a friend through face book who has said she too is in a similar situation with her husband, which I find incredibly reassuring that I am not alone. She also has a great relationship with her husband apart from the lack of sex. For anyone who read yesterday’s blog, I came close to my phone sex but not close enough L I guess it is good fun for those of us that enjoy it and if my situation was different, I wouldn’t be looking for the extra spice. After all, it’s not so difference from girlie magazines and computer porn that men have easy access to on a daily basis.
As I had the doctor’s appointment today at 2pm, I decide I’d better eat before I go and turn to the trusty pot of low fat custard as I know I won’t be ill with that and I was told to take pain killers before going. Unfortunately the second attempt to fit the coil was unsuccessful and I was told that they cannot do try it again, Great! My option now is to put up with the situation for another year as Gynaecological dept won’t do a hysterectomy until it is a year past WLS. I asked for a two for one op at L&D at the appointments, but was told no way hose’. They would have done the hysterical rectum (as my dad liked to call it) via keyhole too and they could have saved on the cost!
When I get back I grill some bacon and have a slither of bread with a hint of spread. This is comfortable but I couldn’t resist the tasty bacon fat that is on the edge of the back bacon. What is it about the smell of bacon cooking, it is so hard to resist isn’t it? I did pull it off the fatty part of the bacon, but then the next thing I know, I am eating it and savour the favour. Sugar, fat and salt have always been my downfall but the lack of sugar seems to make other flavours like bacon all the more enjoyable. A bypasser friend suggested that I try corned beef as another option for meat. So last night I tried it, and it was comfortable to eat but not as good without a good dollop of Branston pickle. As I don’t do Branston in a minimal way, I decided not to have it with the corned beef. My snack today was low fat baby bels, which are a good source of calcium and protein and very easily digested.
Paul decided he wanted to cook the dinner and he cooks Toad in the Hole, with mash and onion gravy. I decided against having baked beans, because of the trapped wind I suffered last week. I only manage a few mouthfuls and I am beaten. I gaze at the rest of the family shovelling in the dinner and long to be able to do the same, but I chose this and I knew what I was signing up for. It’s weird how you know what you are signing up for but can’t totally comprehend what it is physically going to happen when you eat. Some meals I can eat so much more than others. I want to not eat, and lose the weight but just like before the moment the flavour touches your taste buds, you still feel like stuffing your face until the full feeling comes. At least this meal does agree with me and doesn’t get stuck. I am careful to only buy really high meat content sausages. There is quite a few nowadays that have a minimum of 87% meat content. I also saw a tip on “Cook Yourself Thin” and that was to remove the skin before cooking, as that is what holds in the fat, and even pricking the sausages still won’t release all the fat, but by cooking them without the skin you reduce them to low fat sausages without removing the taste. I love the Cumberland sausage the best but I would recommend that you read the labels carefully. Later this evening I am hungry and I eat the remainder of most my dinner.
I find going out a bit of a dilemma with food, if I am doing pack up as I never really know quite what to have. I tend to eat what I fancy at the time, but if you are out, you’re stuck and then you have to eat what you’ve got just for the sake of it.
Haven’t weighed myself this week as I still dread getting on the scales but I like to think that my tummy is losing weight. Deep down I am just a coward, and I don’t want to not see the scales say a smaller value in kg’s. I thought I would be over that once I’d had the op, but no it is still a love hate relationship with them. How is it, that something so small can control your mood for several hours if not the rest of the day? It feels a bit like a scratch card, you can’t wait to see what you’re going to get, are you a winner or a loser? The odds feel heavily stacked against me right now, and I should feel positive and upbeat, but the more I read how successful everyone else is being the more I dread getting on the scales. The reality is that with the amount we are eating, we are bound to lose weight but it doesn’t always work that way. I keep getting period pain intermittently, but luckily no show yet. I do mostly find that weight loss doesn’t happen at that time but I am still loathed to check and then feel pee’d off if the scales still don’t move in the right direction.
Food has lost its attraction lately, and I know I am pleased about that, but similarly I would like to actually know what to choose for the best. I am still serving myself far bigger portion than I can possibly eat but it is weird how I feel miserable if I only have a few bits on a plate, and happy and excited if the plate looks much fuller. I guess it’s a gradual thing and that I will eventually judge the right amount to serve myself. If like the custard if comes in a handy size tub that is great, but that is only item in the tub and not a meal. Even by a Ramekin dish size I look at it and think, is that it? Surely I can have more than that? In truth I can’t but it is a mental thing, and at the moment I need to indulge my brain to keep my serotonin levels happy at least. It could contribute to my brain releasing endorphins, which is making me feel good.
I managed to update my CV today and will be composing my application letter tomorrow; as it states that I can apply via email to the practice manager. I would like to work in the practice and as it is part time it will be good not to jump head first into full time hours. Just hope that there are a few more jobs going to be advertised in the New Year, as the financial status is weighing heavily on both Paul and myself at the moment. I have promised Mum that I will take her to Thetford tomorrow, and she wants me to play bingo with her, just in case we get lucky and have a win, lol! Think there will probably be more chance of pigs flying overhead, but if it makes her happy, I am happy to oblige.
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