I have decided that I have to be better with food today. I am not happy with the amount of food that I ate yesterday and I want to be so much better.
I also need to make sure I am keeping up my fluid level during the day as I tend to drink more of an evening than during the day. I didn’t eat until 3.30pm today as I wasn’t particularly hungry and I had my mind on other things. Brunch at 3.30pm was probably too late for my first meal but as it did not settle and although I had eaten mince beef and vegetables with mash before, this time it wouldn’t even get as far as my stomach. It is trapped and I find it hard to breathe deeply.
I waited for about 15 minutes but it is getting more and more uncomfortable. I try to ease it but I can’t be sick without physically forcing it. Some of the mince dislodges and I take a break, but the feeling of not being able to breathe comes back even stronger and eventually I have to be sick to get rid of it all. I don’t think I ate too fast but maybe the fact that it was only room temperature by the time I ate it instead of being hot may also had something to do with it getting stuck. I still have a tendency to eat too fast, I think it is over excitement. Once again I resist the temptation to weigh myself, trying to only judge my weight change in how I feel. Julie suggested I measure myself as I have not measured myself since the beginning of this journey into WLS. I need to purchase a tape measure as inch loss is likely to happen when weight loss doesn’t. As Julie pointed out it is an extra boost to your moral when you are feeling you are at a standstill. So many people are only interested in how much weight I have lost, but I am finding it scary just approaching the scales. Half of me wants to weigh and the other half is saying no, you’ll only be disappointed.
I have energy but not for the mundane housework stuff. I need more, but more of what? Losing weight and being stuck in the house for what feels like an eternity is making me restless. I want to experience the life that I have put on hold, for so many years. Party like is my last day on earth! I am not a slim and beautiful girl in the flush of youth, no matter how much I wish.
I made an effort today to wear make-up, take time to do my hair and wore a top that was given to me a few sizes smaller than I had been wearing. It made me feel good, and I did it for me. I wanted to feel attractive but in the words of my mother “you can’t make a silk purse out of a Sow’s ear”.
Maybe I need to realise I am never going to be that attractive and desirable, even sexy women that I have fantasized being for years Believing that losing weight I could achieve that fantasy image. I may be gaining some confidence in my old age, just because I have lost a few stone, but reality is different to fantasy right? Fantasizing is escapism, and I have wanted to escape this body, this food addiction for more years than I care to remember.
Is this really possible, can I escape, and become a butterfly emerging from a chrysalis? Only time will tell!
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