17.12.10

Not been a particularly good day today. I had to get up fairly quickly and take Oli to work, which meant having to also take my tablets quite quickly too and that started my day of sickness. For the most part of the day I felt really sick and bending over made me feel really dizzy too. It didn’t help that I was very clumsy and kept knocking things over and spilling stuff on the floor when I am desperately trying to finish making the last of the Christmas cards ready for posting and hand delivery. I ate for the first time around 5pm, and had 4 pieces of scampi and a low fat hash brown with a small dollop of ketchup. That appears to reduce the nauseous for a while. Later Paul makes a Balti curry and I substitute most of the meat for low fat cheese in small chunks. Unfortunately, I don’t have any paneer or hullomi cheese which is nice in a curry so low fat cheese it is. I have that with a small piece of naan bread with no ill effects. Later this evening I battle with head hunger and can’t switch my head off from food. I know I should be eating 5 small meals a day but I can’t usually fit it all in, but tonight, all I want to do is eat. Once again I know it is because I am horny as hell and Paul is snoring in the chair besides me so as I can’t release my sexual frustration, so my head automatically starts constantly demanding food. Out of the two I know I would much prefer a few orgasms but that aint gonna happen. My thoughts return to the recent sexy snogs that I have had, in the hopes that, it will satisfy my desires and help me enjoy some pleasures physically, but unfortunately not. Sexual frustration is not easy to off load for me, I need physical attention that I am unable to satisfy. Because of this I am then beating myself up again with food and I turn to some rice pudding. I am not hungry but I am still new at this and find it easier to give into temptation because it is easier than getting the impossible sex I crave this evening and constantly seem to need. I am struggling to eat it but still I manage it. Later still I eat even more of the rice pudding and still feeling incredibly horny and not being able to elevate it, I make myself a smoked salmon mousse which I really didn’t enjoy but ate and then made myself feel sick. Omg I so need a “fuck buddy” or even an “erotic snogger” as my friend calls it. The trouble is I could easy go and get one as I have had offers of late but not the one I want. My desires are getting stronger as the evening progresses and once again I am only distracted temporarily by food. I am cooking a ham in the oven as I forgot to do it earlier. The cooker buzzer goes off and straight away I am picking at the rind. Immediately I start to feel sick again and without thinking I drink some diet lemonade, aarrgghh!!!!!!!!! We are not allowed that either. FFS, this is all because I am so flaming horny, what is happening to me? I feel really alone with this problem. I have always had a high sex drive unless I am having a bout of depression but this is way beyond anything I have ever experienced before. Even my fantasies are getting more and more explicit, who do I talk to about this to see if this is normal, and will it subside later on? I don’t want to be both addicted to food and or sex, I just want to be normal with food and maybe my sex drive will be ok at its normal higher rate?

Niamh is desperate to get the Christmas tree from the adjacent village tomorrow; she has been nagging me for days. We had a few minor bust ups tonight because of her putting Christmas lights on the front window, and I didn’t want her to have them on there. I am not very into Christmas decorations as Paul won’t let us take them down till twelfth night, and I find it too stressful having them around too long, so therefore I wait till the longest possible moment prior to Christmas before allowing them to be put up. Callum and Oliver’s birthday is the day after twelfth night so even though we bring down the Christmas decorations, we then have the boys cards etc about and then Niamh’s birthday is 3 days after the boys, so we have all her decorations and cards up and it seems eternal, hence, my low mood. I often find the best bit about Christmas and New Year is looking forward to it but as this year it is on an extremely taught shoestring I have not even got the excitement of that bit. We have also accepted an invite to my Mum’s this year for Christmas dinner but all we want to do is have the day at home. Mum lives a few minutes down the road and at the time of accepting, I was leading up to WLS, and I did anything to keep everyone happy except me, as I was busy falling apart at this point in time. I know the rest of the family would like to have the day at home but if we back out now, my Mum would never forgive us, or me, and I have no wish to hurt her or spoil her Christmas. She too has had a very tough year and Christmas is about not being selfish isn’t it? I am also concerned how I am going to cope with people eating and drinking constantly around me too. Christmas dinner I am not looking forward to, as I haven’t managed to eat a roast dinner comfortably yet and having a naturally sweet tooth is probably something I am going to have to work exceptionally hard at not being tempted by any of the goodies, after my seriously horrendous dumping syndrome not that long ago. Christmas and New Year is a fat, sugar and alcohol laden fest. I still cannot bring myself to get on the scales as I am afraid of what they will say and the failure I am already feeling. My post op appointments are slap bang after New Year too, and I am so worried that I will not have done well enough by their standards. The stress is more than I ever thought possible as a pre op patient. I need to have more confidence in myself and my abilities but it is so much easier said than done. Years of low self esteem aren’t going to evaporate overnight or because of an operation but I live in hope that as I get back into the routine of working and a proper routine with food and hopefully exercise too, my confidence and self esteem will grow. It’s 5.30am and I still can’t sleep, as I am annoyed with myself for being so weak willed. I really envy blokes, they can just “knock one out” so easily if they are horny, and if I could have done that, then maybe I wouldn’t have ate anything and everything that wasn’t tied down. I am so gonna come back as a bloke in the next life; their lives seem to be so simple and uncomplicated. Dump the deep and head for shallow!