Another late night and I finally got to bed at 5.30am this morning. I got up at 12.50pm with the most awful sinus headache, which lasts all day and doesn’t go until about 7pm tonight. Got some chores done and made a few more Christmas cards made as, I am way behind. I had made about 75 or so, but need to make at least the same amount again and I also have some orders to deliver on Monday.
I really enjoyed cheese on toast again today for brunch about 3.45pm, which seems to be my current favourite hot food at the moment. It also feels like a comfort food, so that is probably why I enjoy it so much. I am nervous about the Christmas party tonight as I know everyone will be looking stunning and I feel very fat and frumpy. I have a choice of two outfits, neither of which makes me look as good as I like to, or as good as the other ladies in our group. I always seem to be surrounded by beautiful women and I hate being the ugly fat duckling. I know others have said, “Well just think what you’ll look like this time next year.” Not that, that makes me feel any better about myself, as it is this year that I have a problem with. I only have myself to blame for it too. I was so naive thinking that once I’d have my op, I would feel so much better about myself. It is true that I feel a huge weight off my shoulders, and I am starting to feel better about my behaviour with food, not quite so out of control and I am gradually learning about the quantity I should be eating as opposed to the amount I want to consume. It is all so much harder than I had anticipated. People constantly ask how I am coping and part of me wants to say, I’m not but I am scared of losing face, so I say “Great” because I don’t want to bore them or even worse see a smug grin on their face. I am comfortable with friends but acquaintances knowing about my op, is taking a bit more effort not to feel ashamed that I had to resort to such a drastic measure.
I know for me it was the only and best option, but I feel I have to justify to others why I did it and I know there is not a living person who hasn’t in one time or another drained the health service at some point. There will always be some draining it more than others but I will be saving them money long term. I am pleading guilty before even being accused!
I shower and get myself ready for the party. I’ve put far too much moose in my hair so it takes forever to dry my hair and make it look presentable. I take time and apply my makeup so I look half way decent. I then try on both the outfits and get the family to choose which suits me best. The all go for a top my friend Maria gave me, which is red with a plunging neckline and black bead detail below the bust line. I have a good and trusty black skirt and I try on a pair of heels and decide, this is it, I am going to attempt to walk in the convincingly if somewhat slowly!
I have to admit; I felt slimmer and had a better posture whilst wearing the heels. I even turned a few heads tonight, but I’m glad I didn’t know what they were thinking. Just hope I didn’t look like Mutton dressed as Lamb.
The meal was ok, Paul and I shared a meal, well I had a tea plate with a few items on it. I found that the Turkey didn’t agree with me after one bite, so I had potatoes, a bit of carrot, some stuffing, a piece of sausage and a bite of bacon with lots and lots of gravy, which I spilt down my front, what a surprise! Paul says he is going to get me a pelican bib, as my paper napkin has fallen off somewhere. I had an orange juice that was 50/50 with water, 2/3rds of a glass of Shiraz and two cups of black coffee. We all took part in Secret Santa, and I got a beautiful necklace, which I was so happy with, and Paul got a mini case of beers, so they know us both well.
The presents we bought went down a storm, so I am chuffed to bits as I bought them for the two Paul and I picked out the hat. The taxi could only collect us at 11pm, so we had to leave the party early but it wasn’t too much of a problem. As soon as I walk out into the fresh air, the wine goes straight to my head and once again, I am walking like drunken penguin. I don’t intend to drink very often but at the moment I feel like joining in the festivities with everyone else. I do find it hard to know what to drink in a pub as the squash is not sugar free and the fruit juice is not something I want to overdo either even though I have it diluted with water. No doubt as time progresses I will learn which are the best drinks to choose, but for the time being it is hard to decide, especially as we can no longer drink anything carbonated.
I found this lovely phrase this morning on TV, and I need to remember that “Faith is taking the first steps, even when you can’t see the whole staircase”. Think I need that written down and look at it every time I feel out of my depth or question my success.
Keep up all your good work, it's going to be so worth it.
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